1:35am

Have you ever been lost? Not in the forest or on the road. But mentally lost. Surrounded by a sea still…too still, just waiting for the storm. Caught in a mess of chaos and confusion. You don’t know what’s right or wrong, not because it’s all grey lines but because there’s so much fog that you just don’t know. Because every wrong decision made you feel so much better than every right one that brought on so much pain. And you sit and you contemplate on these things, not because it’s late and your mind decided to wander. No. You think about it every day, every second. You feel it deep within. It consumes every ounce on energy and occupies every space in your head. It controls your actions. It makes you laugh harder than you want to and cry softer than you could bear. It changes you and doesn’t at the same time. You don’t know where to turn or if to turn. You second guess every decision and even in the midst of making a decision, your mind is having a constant argument with…two sides of you? No. There aren’t two sides. It’s just one person. One person torn into numerous pieces. One person stuck in an abyss, trapped in a maze, searching, hoping, praying for a clear cut answer, but undecided about whether a clear cut answer will make things better or worse. You’re insecure and confident at the same time. You love yourself and hate everything about you. You love the rain but miss the sun. You get up and want to fall back asleep. You smile with pain grinning through and you cry at moments when you just want to be happy and you have no idea what’s even causing the tears. You’re tired all the time with regular bursts of energy. You crave company but just want to sit in the shower by yourself for hours on end. You can’t control what’s around you, or within. You’re in limbo, a neverending limbo, just you alone.

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