Speak

A faint thud

A heavy drop

I can feel my heart throbbing in my throat but I wouldn’t speak

The pounding is increasing

The bass has my trachea vibrating

And the discomfort is more that I can bear, but I won’t speak

The tears are welling

My eyes are burning

Blood vessels have flushed my entire face but I refuse to speak

A piercing ring

Higher than a C note, I cringe

My ears might just bleed, but I can’t speak

My mind is set on flashback

Memories zooming on a racetrack

I can feel my tongue curl back but how can I speak

I’ve survived this far, with all my truths

Is there a point of saying #MeToo

There’s no retraction, just permanent disruption, can I really, after all this time, just speak

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I just spent an hour crying

I just spent an hour crying, feeling like I wasn’t enough

Don’t believe me? I just pulled my tissue out from the folds of a blanket, still quite damp

I broke down as my perspective of reality started to sink in

No matter how hard I try to be optimistic, my pessimism is spilling at the brim

I feel like I wanna scream, throw the biggest damn fit of my entire life

My fingers are trembling as they linger over contacts of friends to call over and tell them bring a bottle of wine

You pray and you pray

And I know because I’ve prayed and prayed

For life to just fast forward to the happy part of the movie

To the time in the movie where the solutions are found and everything is as it should be

Ironically, this part of the movie tends to be before the credits roll

So maybe there’s something in that little tidbit to learn

I wish I could summarize this little piece, simmer it down to some life lesson or a conclusion about days getting better

But I just spent an hour crying, so excuse me if I’m a bit too bitter

Mind games

There are nights when your mind wanders

Wanders to places that you wouldn’t even go

And you get so frustrated because you’re trying to stop it, trying to reject the impulse

But it goes…

Do not hate yourself for your insecurities, do not punish yourself for your faults and fears

Too many times, we become so irritated, so annoyed because of the games that our minds start to play on us that we blame ourselves for it

The only fault you’re at is if you don’t try to be better, you don’t try to restore your mental health

You are not at fault for the state your mind is in. You are a victim to your thoughts, don’t be so suppressed into thinking that you willed this upon yourself. You know you didn’t…

You know that you would give up anything for peace and serenity but enough shit has happened for you to know that peace and serenity isn’t easy to come by

You have to fight, pray, believe, struggle all the time. Don’t let your mind fool you into thinking there’s something wrong with you for feeling the things you feel. You didn’t call it upon yourself, you didn’t ask for these thoughts to intrude your mind.

Anger and self-hate are not going to make it better. Those things feed the dark parts of your mind. Love yourself. Love yourself. I can’t say this enough. Love yourself. Love is what’s going to shed light from the tightest corner to the deepest abyss. Love will illuminate and awaken the soul. It will cast out the darkness to make you feel whole again. Don’t hate yourself for the tricks your mind plays, but love yourself till you gain control again

Letter to my parents

I wish you could understand that I just want the best for you

I want you to be happy, to be free

I want you to live long, but I think that one’s selfishly for me

I want you to see your dreams unfold before your eyes and to know you weren’t just a wishful thinker every time you fantasized 

To know that a better life does exist and it’s right there within your grip

I want to pay you back for all those long nights and early mornings

For every time you scraped your wallet

I want to give you the fruits of every sacrifice you made to make every candle blown out with a birthday wish come true

I want to give you the world that you surrendered so that I can have the universe too

I want to illuminate the light within your eyes

I just want you to be happy the way you’ve made me happy time after time

Out of all the things you’ve ever given me, just this chance is all I really need

2AM thoughts

Sometimes you don’t write

People make it sound like if you love something, you do it all the time

But the reality is sometimes you don’t 

Sometimes you don’t do the thing you love every moment of every day

And there are different reasons for that: you’re busy, you have other things you need to do, you just don’t feel like doing anything at that moment

Whatever the reason, it’s okay. It’s okay to take a break from obsessing over your favourite pastime

It doesn’t make you less passionate or less driven

The things you love the most take the most energy out of you because you pour your heart and soul into it every time you do it

It’s okay to take a break

Sometimes I punish myself into thinking that perhaps I’m not as passionate about something as I thought

But now I’ve come to realise, it’s just me recharging to pour my heart out again because I rather take a break and give 100%, than to half ass it anyway

Here comes the…

The sound of your voice trembles as the words flow out

They’re rugged and rough

You can almost feel the difficulty that arises to speak,

The pain experienced with every release

As your heart unbolts lock by lock

Secret by secret

Breath by breath

Story by story

Something new and unspoken

Something old and strange

Something blue and broken

Something meant to be borrowed, but instead taken away

With every word, I’m pulled in nearer

Almost too close for comfort

I’m drawn in with every paragraph to the tale

To the brokenness, to the hurt

A current surging, increasing vulnerability

Every account ending with intimacy

Intertwining love and agony

No wonder the greatest romances all have tragedy

As I sit and I listen

I see how your pain and my love go hand in hand

Like a newlywed couple strolling across the dusty sands

At midnight on a quiet little beach in Trinidad