Mind games

There are nights when your mind wanders

Wanders to places that you wouldn’t even go

And you get so frustrated because you’re trying to stop it, trying to reject the impulse

But it goes…

Do not hate yourself for your insecurities, do not punish yourself for your faults and fears

Too many times, we become so irritated, so annoyed because of the games that our minds start to play on us that we blame ourselves for it

The only fault you’re at is if you don’t try to be better, you don’t try to restore your mental health

You are not at fault for the state your mind is in. You are a victim to your thoughts, don’t be so suppressed into thinking that you willed this upon yourself. You know you didn’t…

You know that you would give up anything for peace and serenity but enough shit has happened for you to know that peace and serenity isn’t easy to come by

You have to fight, pray, believe, struggle all the time. Don’t let your mind fool you into thinking there’s something wrong with you for feeling the things you feel. You didn’t call it upon yourself, you didn’t ask for these thoughts to intrude your mind.

Anger and self-hate are not going to make it better. Those things feed the dark parts of your mind. Love yourself. Love yourself. I can’t say this enough. Love yourself. Love is what’s going to shed light from the tightest corner to the deepest abyss. Love will illuminate and awaken the soul. It will cast out the darkness to make you feel whole again. Don’t hate yourself for the tricks your mind plays, but love yourself till you gain control again

Letter to my parents

I wish you could understand that I just want the best for you

I want you to be happy, to be free

I want you to live long, but I think that one’s selfishly for me

I want you to see your dreams unfold before your eyes and to know you weren’t just a wishful thinker every time you fantasized 

To know that a better life does exist and it’s right there within your grip

I want to pay you back for all those long nights and early mornings

For every time you scraped your wallet

I want to give you the fruits of every sacrifice you made to make every candle blown out with a birthday wish come true

I want to give you the world that you surrendered so that I can have the universe too

I want to illuminate the light within your eyes

I just want you to be happy the way you’ve made me happy time after time

Out of all the things you’ve ever given me, just this chance is all I really need

2AM thoughts

Sometimes you don’t write

People make it sound like if you love something, you do it all the time

But the reality is sometimes you don’t 

Sometimes you don’t do the thing you love every moment of every day

And there are different reasons for that: you’re busy, you have other things you need to do, you just don’t feel like doing anything at that moment

Whatever the reason, it’s okay. It’s okay to take a break from obsessing over your favourite pastime

It doesn’t make you less passionate or less driven

The things you love the most take the most energy out of you because you pour your heart and soul into it every time you do it

It’s okay to take a break

Sometimes I punish myself into thinking that perhaps I’m not as passionate about something as I thought

But now I’ve come to realise, it’s just me recharging to pour my heart out again because I rather take a break and give 100%, than to half ass it anyway

Here comes the…

The sound of your voice trembles as the words flow out

They’re rugged and rough

You can almost feel the difficulty that arises to speak,

The pain experienced with every release

As your heart unbolts lock by lock

Secret by secret

Breath by breath

Story by story

Something new and unspoken

Something old and strange

Something blue and broken

Something meant to be borrowed, but instead taken away

With every word, I’m pulled in nearer

Almost too close for comfort

I’m drawn in with every paragraph to the tale

To the brokenness, to the hurt

A current surging, increasing vulnerability

Every account ending with intimacy

Intertwining love and agony

No wonder the greatest romances all have tragedy

As I sit and I listen

I see how your pain and my love go hand in hand

Like a newlywed couple strolling across the dusty sands

At midnight on a quiet little beach in Trinidad

Simple

I’ve written by now more than two dozen pieces

A lot of them I’d admit, I’ve thought through especially the ones I’ve written as I got older

But in my early adolescent years, the years when writing was my escape… I didn’t think through most of my work

My work flowed through me

I felt every pain, and with every pain that I felt, I wrote

I bled love and with every drop, I wrote

I wrote until I was out of breath, panting

Trying to catch my breath because every word I wrote drew out the very life that was within me

Unto this blank piece of paper that within minutes, became the locket to my heart

Those pieces may not be the most sophisticated of the lot, but they’re the most pure, the most raw, the most true

And I love those the most

And I understand why they say simple goes a long way

Through my eyes

I’ve seen the world only through my own eyes, the same way I see you

And I know that there is no world without you

I see colours in the moon and magic in the sun 

Hope in stars and power in the ocean

I see sunsets and sunrises as beautiful beginnings and happy endings

That inspire fairytales for little girls to endulge in

I see works of art in buildings and museums and I think to myself of the inner child in the designers

With their molding clay and tiny brushes stroking and kneading into canvas and architecture

I see you with your bushy eyebrows and your crooked smile as the most beautiful thing of all

I can count every scar on your body and trace them all

And it would still amaze me how creatively you were assembled

And how every blunder, every mistake, was so uniquely executed, perfection is the only word suitable for description

I see the world and I look at you, and you go together with such symmetry

A world with no you is one I refuse to perceive

As a world with no you, would lose all its beauty

TBH

So tonight I decided I’ll get up close and personal with you. I’ll talk to you about me. Just like most girls, I’ve struggled with my appearance. Just this week, I broke down and admitted to my s/o that I don’t like aspects of myself and I haven’t been comfortable in my skin for a long time. I’ve had so many people come up and tell me I radiate confidence… my problem was, and is, that I don’t absorb it. I told him that it’s frustrating to be the type of girl with a personality that’s okay with not getting dressed up if I don’t feel like it and wearing whatever without focusing on the little punch I may have when I relax instead of suck in, in a world that pressures me to wax on time and wear clothes that don’t show my little belly, make sure my hair is neat and my nails are done. It was never an issue where I wasn’t happy within my own skin but rather feeling punished for not always wanting to be prim, trim and proper. I’m still struggling and everyday I try to put on that confidence and step out. It’s hard when you’re out there minding your own business and someone, not even a stranger but someone you know, comments negatively on something you didn’t even notice. And then, you lose your confidence as now your focus is drawn to that thing that was invisible to you all the time before but apparently is a problem if someone had to mention it. Yes I know what you’re thinking and saying. People will always comment. Don’t let them dictate your pace. Be your own person. It’s harder done than said. A lot of people gain insecurities because of these endless comments and teases and remarks. You could have been a confident, don’t give a damn person, and deep down maybe you still are, but someone or some people just kept bringing up the same sh*t over and over that soon you start questioning it, then believing it. I know I’m gonna be giving advice that I don’t yet know how to take, but maybe that’ll be some encouragement cause we’re both going on this journey together. Please don’t listen to them. Learn to filter out helpful advice that will benefit YOU from personal opinion that you don’t really need to listen to. Love your skin and improve on yourself not out of revenge for someone who screwed you over or to impress anyone. Upgrade because you owe it to yourself to always be the best version of yourself. Embrace who you are both inside and out, with makeup and without makeup, after abs class and after a buffet. If you want to make a little change, do it because YOU want to. Sit down. Think it over and over and over. And if this change you want to make is for your benefit, then by all means. Love yourself from the moment you wake up to the moment you get all glammed up for a night out, and even when you come home and strip it all off again. People will talk, and they aren’t going to be all haters. Be a filter and know what you need and what isn’t for you. Small minded people can only see things through a peephole but who you are, your insides and out, your beauty and strength cannot be minimized. Pity those people who esteem beauty as one specific way; there’s a whole world of beauty they will never see. At the end of the day, it is important to know that you cannot be truly happy until you learn to love yourself… let’s now go try and be happy 💕